Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
BRING THE BAGELS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
