You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
