you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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