and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
