Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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