I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
