Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
