Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
