Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
