Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
