the condom got lost in my hair
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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