I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
