WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
