Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
