Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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