Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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