when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
