Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
