I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
