guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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