saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
