He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
