the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
