her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
