I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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