Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I am one with the molecules
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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