If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
