Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
