I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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