I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
