my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My ass is underappreciated
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
