he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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