Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
