They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
