I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
