So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
