sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
