hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
