My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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