Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
