A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
