I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
