my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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