I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
