happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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