i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
