im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
