The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
