I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
