woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my being single is dangerous.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
