Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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