someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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