Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Even the bartender felt bad for me
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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