omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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