we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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