It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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