my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
