Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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